[secret‡letters)

The Sound of Silence | Glass Drama

“You should go do something,” Masa stated. He and I sat in the breakfast nook in my house for it was too chilly to go outside on the patio on such a morning.
    It was autumn, some two and a half months after I had last seen Hyde or Tetsu. Rumor had it that they both stopped talking to each other, Tetsu moved his production company to Osaka, and Hyde burrowed deeply into celebrity obscurity, rarely appearing in public. Neither of them called me, and I called neither of them. Yet all I could think about was how I had severely damaged one of the most famous and long-lasting friendships of the J-rock business. The public, of course, had no clue of the details; they figured it was only natural that two celebrities would be too busy to spend time with one another.
    I also couldn’t help but be a little bit selfish. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but I had genuinely fallen for Tetsu. How unlikely a pair we would appear to the public: Tetsu, the humble, innocent former leader-san of one of the most respected Japanese rock bands; and me, the egotistical, apparently sexually promiscuous pop icon whose career was on a steep downfall. I played our scenario out in my head over and over. I pictured us as a happy couple, enjoying each other’s conversion, love, company, and everything else. It was perfect. Then I wondered why I had to tell him about Hyde and I. If I hadn’t, my relationship with Tetsu would have been no different from the one with Hyde: full of shallow lies. I would always conclude this thought with a sigh and remembering the old phrase: “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
    “Gackt,” Masa attempted to catch my attention before repeating, “you should go do something.”
    “You still live here?” I asked with a smirk.
    Masa gave an exaggerated sigh, ignoring my question. “All you do is sit around here.”
    “I write music,” I pointed out, since I had made a new number one single since the summer.
    “I mean personally,” he said. “Go do something for yourself.”
    I couldn’t believe this. “You’re suggesting I do something that could possibly have no effect positive or negative on you?” I questioned suspiciously. “This is an amazing breakthrough. I can see the headlines: ‘Selfish Brat Wants to Make Friend’s Life Better.’”
    Masa snarled. “Forgive me,” he said sarcastically. “I sometimes take your feelings into consideration too.”
    “Why should you care?” I asked.
    He stood and walked over to me. After kneeling down, he wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned his head against my abdomen. “You’re not happy,” Masa noted. “I can tell.”
    “Again, why should you care?” I had acquired the characteristic of being remarkably cold since two and a half months ago.
    “I want you to be happy,” Masa murmured, nuzzling his cheek against me. “You have to do something that will make you happy. No matter how hard it is. Even if you have to dig deep into your past to find that happiness, you must find it.” I began to feel a bit uncomfortable. Masa hadn’t been this kind to me since we broke up. Furthermore, I could tell what he was hinting at.
    “So? What are you getting out of all of this sensitiveness?” I replied dryly.
    “Nothing,” Masa lied, for I knew what he expected. “I love you, Gackt.”
    “Well,” I replied with a sigh, “I don’t love you.”
    Without warning, he sprang up. “You’re such a bitch sometimes!” he screamed then walked off in a huff.
    If Masa had been more convincing, I probably would have let him down a bit more easily. However, his confession was only an indication that he was having a dry spell in his love life and wanted a quick release via my mouth (or anus, depending on how pushy he got). I was ready to order him out of my house for good, but I couldn’t help to feel grateful he was there. It definitely wasn’t for the company, conversation, or the friendship, but only because of what he represented. Through his pestering, he reminded me that I had to do what was right for myself.
    And that meant I had to go to Osaka.

    I felt like a stalker, sitting in my car outside Tetsu’s production studio, trying to think of the right thing to say if I spotted him. I had checked into a hotel in Osaka earlier that day with the full intention of living in the same city as Tetsu. If by some chance I could run into him, maybe I could explain how much I thought about him, how we were meant to be, and how I had fallen for him. Ok, I really felt like a stalker.
    By afternoon, I recognized the platform shoes wearing bassist from across the street, his hair dyed a darker shade of red than from when I last saw him. I quickly jumped out of the car and tried to act as cool as possible walking up to him.
    “Tetsu,” I called when I was only a few feet behind him.
    He put a pair of sunglasses on and quickened his pace.
    I managed to catch up with him and tapped him on the shoulder. “It’s me, Gackt,” I said foolishly. Foolishly because not one second after I said that, all heads turned my way as someone screamed, “Oh my God! It’s Gackt!” A crowd gathered around me, magically pulling out pens and paper, begging for autographs as Tetsu hurried out of sight. I somehow managed to push my way back to the car with all my clothes intact, but my hope of meeting up with Tetsu was dropped somewhere in the middle of the crowd of desperate fan girls.
    The next day I tried a different approach. Instead of waiting in the car, I walked into the production studio, easily making it past the security guard who just happened to be a fan of mine. I even convinced Tetsu’s secretary to let me wait outside his office until he was done with an important meeting.
    The door of his office opened late in the afternoon. There he stood, facing the other person who was in his office, grinning broadly. I stood from my seated position and approached.
    “Tetsu,” I said, standing directly in front of him.
    His head jerked around to face me. Eyes widening, he asked, “What are you doing here?”
    “I…” I had no clue what do say. Do I apologize first? Do I ask how he is? Do I turn my tail and run like hell?
    “Hey, Gackt!” the other person greeted, extending a hand for me to shake. “You probably don’t remember me. I’m Ken from S.O.A.P. We met at the ‘Moon Child’ premiere.”
    “Oh, yeah,” I remembered vaguely. “Nice to see you again.” I turned my attention back to Tetsu. “I want to talk to you, please.”
    “Ken’s my partner,” Tetsu informed me.
    “In the production company? Congratulations,” I said with little interest. I failed to see what that had to do with anything.
    “That,” Ken confirmed, “and in life!” He put an arm around Tetsu’s shoulders and drew him close.
    I gapped. Was this some sort of sick joke? Tetsu Ogawa, the slightly effeminate, loveable leader-san with Ken Kitamura, the hyper-masculine slob? That was an odd couple. And who would’ve guessed Ken was gay?
    Ken guffawed upon seeing my expression. “Weren’t you invited to the wedding? It’s this Saturday.”
    I felt my knees shaking. “Wedding?” I tried to say, but my throat had become so dry that I couldn’t possibly form words.
    “No, he wasn’t,” Tetsu informed Ken. “I want to keep it small with only close friends and family. I’m sorry, Gackt, but we’ve only known each other through other friends, parties, premieres…”
    “That’s alright,” I lied. “If you want to play it this way…”
    “Play what?” Tetsu’s voice quivered. Unlike Hyde, he was terrible at pretending there was nothing between us.
    “I’m just that guy you are somehow acquainted with,” I continued angrily. “Why should I care if the one person I felt comfortable with decides to excommunicate me, move away, and get married?"
    Ken blinked in confusion, then his face suddenly lit up. “I see. You’re the guy who screwed him over?”
    “What?” I questioned, completely disgusted by Ken’s whole presence.
    “Yeah,” Ken said, taking out a cigarette. “Tetsu told me all about you.” He lit the cigarette. “If you come near him, I’ll…”
    “Stop, Ken,” Tetsu interrupted, looking down at the ground. He was trying to conceal the sadness in his eyes. “Let’s go.” They brushed past me and headed for the elevator.
    I was left in Tetsu and Ken’s production studio. I guess I should have suspected Tetsu would find someone else. It wasn’t even like we had a real relationship. We hardly knew each other for more than a few days; it was nothing. Yet the feeling had persisted through all this time without wavering. I had been wondering if Tetsu felt the same way. Well, maybe he did. But I had to know for sure.

    I found out from Tetsu’s secretary that he visited a nearby café alone every morning before work. That was the perfect location to confront him with my question. I promised myself that if he didn’t feel the same way, I would immediately return to Tokyo and forget about Tetsu.
    He walked in wearing a tan, toggle-button coat and black slacks with a slight flare at the bottom. And of course, his signature platform shoes. Quickly, I approached him, but he spotted me in time to sit down and hide his face behind a newspaper. I tapped him on the shoulder.
    “May I sit?” I asked, though I sat down before he replied.
    “What are you doing here?” he demanded, not lifting his gaze from the newspaper.
    “There’s something I have to tell you,” I said. “Please listen?”
    He nodded reluctantly.
    “I never got a chance to tell you this,” I began. “I…”
    “You love me?” Tetsu asked, obviously expecting it. “I’m sorry, I’m with Ken now.”
    “I know,” I confessed with a sigh. “But there’s something I don’t understand.” When he didn’t respond, I continued, “I thought you at least liked me. How could you dismiss me so easily?”
    Tetsu put down the newspaper. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
    I was a little shocked to say the least. “You agree with me?” I asked.
    “You didn’t know the whole story,” Tetsu explained. “You see, I was supposed to be Hyde’s last.”
    I furrowed my brow to show my confusion.
    “Hyde used to,” he paused to sigh, “he and I used to be lovers. Um, for a long time. More than lovers, actually. I used to think he was my soul mate.” He gazed off dreamily at nothing in particular. “But then in 1999 or so, he broke my heart.”
    “Oh?” I leaned forward. I wasn’t surprised they had been romantically involved. Judging by Hyde’s jealousy, I would have guessed they were still lovers at the time of my affair with Hyde.
    “He told me something like…” He paused to think for a moment. “He couldn’t love a man and he had fallen in love with a woman. Then he went on to say that he could only love a woman. I just wasn’t doing it for him anymore.” After pausing again to bite his lip, he continued, “But he said we’d always be best friends. Something corny like that. Then he promised me that I was the last man he’d ever love.”
    I felt like shit. No, I felt worse than shit. I felt like Hyde’s shit. First of all, I realized Hyde would probably have told Megumi the same thing he told Tetsu, but with opposite genders, had she found out about his affair with me. Eventually, Hyde would tell me that same story and toss me out with yesterday’s trash. But I felt worse for Tetsu. Because I was the instrument of Hyde’s treachery against his best friend, I knew I had been played for the fool.
    “If I had know…” I began to apologize, but couldn’t find the words.
    “You didn’t,” Tetsu stated to obvious. “And I shouldn’t blame you. I forgive you if you can forgive me.”
    I smiled at his stereotypical friendliness. “Of course I forgive you!” I grasped his hand.
    Though he was smiling, I could tell he hurt on the inside. “I hope we can still be friends.”
    “Friends?” I question. I had been expecting Tetsu to leap into my arms, but he was hinting that this was the proper moment to part ways while we were still on a good note.
    “I’m sorry,” Tetsu repeated himself from earlier, “I’m with Ken now.”
    I slumped in my seat. Based on personality, caring, financial standing, and especially looks, Tetsu would choose Ken over me? I could hardly believe it.
    “Good bye, Gackt.” He stood from the table and exited before I could beg him to wait.
    This is a question to the general public: Ken or me? Come on!

    “It’s about a two hour drive from Osaka,” Masa stated over the phone. “It’s really a cheap little villa-type thing, though. I mean, they had to compromise since they couldn’t get it done in the church, but they at least could’ve done it in the city.”
    “Yeah,” I said, not entirely listening to Masa as I was trying to pay attention to the road as I drove.
    “What exactly do you want to do there anyway?” Masa asked nosily. “I didn’t think you knew either of them well at all.”
    “That’s right,” I lied, trying desperately to read a street sign.
    Masa continued, “Well, I’m already here and it’s a real shit town. There’s like one Lawson’s and mom and pop’s stores. That’s it! Can you believe it?”
    “No, Masa,” I replied. “I have to go. Thanks for the directions.” I quickly hung up my cell phone and threw it on the seat next to me.
I was distraught enough without having to hear Masa’s constant whining. What exactly was I planning to do once I got to the little “shit town” where Tetsu and Ken were (and I cringed) getting married? Was I crazy enough to stop the wedding? Even if I managed to stop the wedding, every guest attending the wedding would probably hunt me down. It was times like those that I missed my bodyguards.
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted when I heard a loud sound that reminded me of I gunshot. The car swerved on its own and I desperately tried to gain control in just enough time to pull over safely on the shoulder of the little country road. After gasping for breath and thanking whoever resided above for saving my life, I stepped out of the car to investigate.
“A flat,” I said aloud, then cursed whoever resided above more ruining my life. I opened up the trunk to discover the spare was missing, remembering I had taken it out awhile ago to transport some guitars and equipment for Masa. (I really wanted to kill Masa at that moment.) Luckily, I remembered passing a gas station a kilometer back, so I began trekking. If I didn’t make it to the wedding, my love and sanity would both be lost.
After thoroughly wearing out my Gucci shoes, I spotted a bus climbing slowly up the hilly road going in the direction I was headed. I flailed my arms in the hopes that the driver would stop. He began to pass me, but I used all my vocal training to project, “STOP!” The driver slammed on the brake, opened the door, and I jumped in, throwing whatever change I had his way. The patrons gawked at me, some wondering who this mad man was and others wondering why this mad man looked like Gackt. I ignored them and sat for two hours until we finally stopped at my final destination. I leaped out of the bus.
Somehow, the bus driver had read my mind and we stopped right in front of the villa. A large gate was the only means of getting in, for a ten-foot-tall stone wall surrounded the whole compound. Two banners on the entrance read “Ogawa” and “Kitamura.” I shuddered at seeing their two names in the same vicinity, but continued on… until I was stopped.
“Are you on the list?” a burly looking security guard asked gruffly.
I should’ve lied, but instead I said, “No.”
“Please leave, sir.” Another one appeared next to the first one.
“Maybe you don’t recognize me,” I said, confident this would work. “I’m Gackt.” I attempted to fix my slightly disheveled appearance.
“Please leave, sir,” one of them repeated.
“What if I,” I began as I reached into my pocket for a bribe, but soon realized I had thrown my last yen at the bus driver.
“Please leave, sir,” they both said as if they were a broken record.
“Fine,” I growled, loosing hope. I decided to walk around the perimeter of the compound to search for a break in the wall. The guards obviously saw to futility in my attempt, for they let me go without another word.
I walked around for nearly twenty minutes, but could find nothing. Occasionally, I would leap to see what was on the other side of the wall. I spotted numerous guests sitting in white folding chairs, a walkway lined with decorative poles (how corny), and some sort of “commitment ceremony” official holding a pamphlet, ready to perform the ceremony. In one attempt to see over the wall, I managed to make out a face in the crowd. It was none other than Hyde. Why would Tetsu invite Hyde after all the pain he had caused? Maybe he had forgiven him just and he had forgiven me. But Hyde had done much worse to him. Had they remained friends this whole time?
Upon landing on the ground, I spotted a small hole large enough for my foot to fit about midway up the wall. This was perfect. I backed up to get a running start, then suddenly noticed the crowd becoming silent. I could hear a small string quartet playing Pachebel’s Canon (how cliché). They had already started. After saying a little prayer, I sprinted towards to wall, jumped up, and used to hole to hoist me up to the top. Unfortunately, my foot got caught. I reached out and grabbed the top of the wall for I could only imagine the pain from falling backwards with my foot still in the hole.
Luckily, I was high enough so I could peek over the wall. I saw Tetsu and (shudder) Ken already in front of the altar with their backs to me, both clad in tuxedos. I sighed with relief that Tetsu wasn’t wearing a wedding dress.
“Dearly beloved,” the commitment ceremony person began.
I didn’t have time to listen to the rest of the speech. My foot was beginning to throb as I tried to yank it free. All attempts were futile, however, as I imagined myself stuck on that wall forever. Technically it was a romantic way to die for the one you love, but to get stuck on a wall was just humiliating.
“If anyone knows why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace,” the master of ceremonies finally said.
I had no choice. “Tetsu Ogawa!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
All heads turned towards me. Some people stood to get a better view of me flailing one arm while the other clung desperately to the wall.
“Tetsu Ogawa!” I shouted again.
“Gackt!” I heard Hyde’s voice above the murmuring of the others. “No!”
By some miracle, my foot was released with one final struggle and I leaped over the wall, landing painfully on the ground. I quickly recovered and sprinted towards the ceremony. Unfortunately, the guests tried to push me away, shouting obscenities. Hyde emerged from the crowd and landed a punch on my face that caused me to fall to the ground.
“You will not ruin this!” he yelled.
“Let Tetsu decide,” I said, holding my face in pain.
The crowd parted to look at Tetsu. He stared directly at me, not blinking. His gaze soon moved to Ken, who looked as if he was going to have a heart attack and die right there. Then finally, he looked to Hyde.
“Don’t do it,” Hyde whispered as if he spoke only to himself.
Tetsu frowned slightly, then nodded. I thought for sure he was agreeing with Hyde, but he soon sprinted towards me and helped me to my feet. The people crowded around us, cursing my name and attempting to separate Tetsu and me.
“You’ll regret this!” Hyde screamed at Tetsu when he got close.
We ignored him and attempted to shove people out of the way, but they were too many and we were too few.
“Gackt!” I heard someone call my name. I whirled around to see Masa holding one of the poles. “Catch!” He threw the pole to me and I caught it with a nod of thanks. Masa winked, then he too attempted to escape.
I swung the pole around threateningly, though with no intention of hitting anyone. Finally, everyone backed off enough for Tetsu and I to sprint to the gate. He ran past the security guards and to the road. Luckily, a bus came zooming up the hill and stopped right in front of us. We climbed in and sat in the very back, half crying from fright, half laughing that we actually got away, but nonetheless relieved that we were together.
As we attempted to catch our breath, the entire bus glared at us. We smiled slightly and Tetsu waved. They soon tired of the sight of an effeminate man in an expensive tuxedo resting his head on the shoulder of a dirty-looking scoundrel such as myself and turned back to minding their own business.
Finally, I had found someone I could be comfortable with, someone to love, someone to care about me. The search had been long and difficult, but I had found him. After that it was just…
After that I only had to…
After that I could…
Clouds begin to darken outside and soon it will rain. I sigh. Here I am again, back at the beginning. My life seems to be in perfect order. I’ve done everything. I’m young, only in my early thirties, and already I have numerous top-selling singles, regular appearances on television, video game characters modeled after me, spokesman contracts, a fairly auspicious film, an autobiography almost in novel format… and now someone to share it all with. What else is there? I ask myself this question over and over on the bus ride. But the answer isn’t going to willingly reveal itself; I have to sit and stew just as I had before.
Sometimes the only answer in my head is the sound of silence.

Author's note: Wow! This is probably the longest thing I’ve ever written to completion! Just thought I’d point that out.
I’d also like to say that I do not take credit for the general story line. This entire fic was based on the movie The Graduate from 1967 (an excellent film that I would highly recommend). I definitely altered the plot to fit in more with the world of J-rock (including the NC-17 parts, which would not have gone over well with audiences in the 1960’s). I apologize if this was overly obvious.
I also apologize for making Gackt a nervous wreck, Hyde a complete bitch, Tetsu a cry baby, and for not giving Ken a bigger role. I do not apologize for making Masa a snob because I think that’s cute. And besides, Masa saves the day at the end.
Thank you for reading. Questions, comments, and constructive criticism are always welcome. E-mail me at goodmorninghaido00@yahoo.com

END.