"I’ve crept into your temple; I have slept upon your pew. I’ve dreamed of the divinity inside and out of you. I want it more than truth, I can taste it on my breath. I would give my life, just for a little of your death."

- "Angels Would Fall"

Gackt could not stop thinking about him. He closed his eyes and let his head drop onto his folded arms, taking a deep breath. He tried for something akin to rational thought, tried to let all thoughts of him escape his mind. But it didn’t work. It never worked.

He lifted his head finally, and noticed the little red light blinking rapidly on his answering machine. Reaching out with an unsteady hand, he pressed play.

"Hello, Ga-chan."

Gackt’s breath caught in his throat; it was him. He crouched by the black machine, as if he could somehow get closer to Hyde by doing so.

"I’m coming by tomorrow, Ga-chan. Will you be waiting for me?"

~*~

Hyde suggested they take a walk to the park; it would do them both good, he insisted, despite the fact that neither of them much enjoyed the heat of midday.

"It’s nice out today, isn’t it, Ga-chan? If only it could be cooler..." Hyde drifted off, looking up at Gackt in concern. "Ga-chan?"

The sun burnt its heat into Gackt’s back, and he felt just a little dizzy. "The heat," he said in explanation.

"It’s not just that. You’re tired, too." Hyde pushed Gackt down onto a bench beneath a large tree, its leaves wispy and flickering in the slight breeze. He then opened the bottle of water that he had been carrying with him. Digging in his pocket for a cloth of some sort, he smiled when he found one, and then wet the edge of the handkerchief. He wiped Gackt’s face and neck gently. "You need to take care of yourself, Ga-chan. Don’t want to disappoint your fans when you become sick and aren’t able to perform in a live, now, do you?"

Unconsciously, the taller man leaned into the touch, eyes nearly falling shut. Hyde continued to lecture him, and he let the cool touch of his hands and words wash over him.

"Have you ever loved something, Ga-chan? Not infatuation, but real, burning desire? Have you ever loved something so completely..." His fingers traveled down from Gackt’s face to his neck, pausing at his shirt. "...That you wanted to destroy it and bathe in its ashes?"

Gackt’s eyes snapped open, and the two rock artists stared at one another, wary. "What do you me--"

"Be quiet, Ga-chan. Just let me do this," Hyde said huskily, pulling Gackt in for a hard, bruising kiss, his tongue parting Gackt’s lips, taking and taking until Gackt felt dizziness overcome him again.

~*~

They went back to Gackt’s house, and once in the bedroom, they stood staring at each other for a few moments.

Then, they kissed, lips coming together hard, then pulled away and kissed again, hands tugging at clothing.

"Um, Hyde?" Gackt looked down at the dark-eyed man, who was currently undoing the buttons of his shirt gingerly, like he was diffusing a bomb.

"What?" Hyde sighed as he gave up on being nice with Gackt’s shirt, and ripped it the rest of the way open, watching satisfactorily as buttons flew into the air before landing on the carpet of Gackt’s bedroom. "Don’t tell me you want to stop now..."

Gackt felt himself drowning as teeth sunk into his shoulder, marking him with bloody prints. Complaints forgotten, he murmured, "Again..."

~*~

"What the hell is going on?" Gackt asked to no one in particular, groggy and confused. His voice sounded scratchy, like a record played back one too many times, and froze as a hand caressed the length of his leg. "Shit, Hyde!"

Hollow laughter floated from beneath the sheets, followed by soft sucking noises. "Didn’t know you’d cuss at me, Ga-chan."

Gackt let his head fall back to the pillow, and tried to muffle Hyde’s name. It sounded so loud and earth-shattering as it echoed from all corners of the room. Disbelief began to spread through him, unfreezing his nerves and numbing him to shock.

"What time is it?" Hyde reemerged from the folds of the sheets moments after Gackt’s shuddering release, licking his lips. He sounded as disoriented as Gackt himself, and Gackt laughed. "What?" Hyde bent to kiss him, and Gackt could taste himself in his mouth. "Wasn’t doing anything illegal."

The allusion to their games from the previous afternoon and night stretched Gackt beyond his breaking point, and the rock idol began to laugh nearly hysterically, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes with the corner of his pillow.

"Good morning, Ga-chan," Hyde said after Gackt stopped laughing. His eyes raked over Gackt’s body with something akin to love. "Sleep well?"

Gackt nodded, and realized that he had just had his first night of good sleep in a long, long time.

Hyde lay down beside him, raking fingers through his messy hair. "I might have to leave soon. Depends on if you have anything to do this morning." He looked at Gackt, and knew that the younger man was plotting some way of getting out of whatever it was he had to do for the day. "You were good," he remarked casually, trying ro draw that same spark from his lover, the same fire and anger and pain, all part of some strange emotion kindled from hate.

"You were, too." Gackt let the barb pass. There would be others to follow as the walls flew up again, pushing him out, pushing him away.

They lay, side by side, not touching, just staring at the ceiling, until the phone rang and they both rolled off opposite sides of the bed.

It was one of the photographers. Gackt was supposed to be coming in for a photo shoot today. Making up a lame excuse, Gackt explained that he would not be able to come to the studio today and they would have to postpone. He told the photographer that too much was going on at the moment, and he just needed a day off.

"Enjoy your day off." The words rang in his ears as he hung up the phone. "Well."

Hyde had just pulled on his underwear. He paused, smiling at Gackt. "I suppose we should make the most of your day off, Ga-chan?"

"I suppose we better."

Gackt fell back onto the bed, hands cradling the nape of Hyde’s neck loosely, stifling a moan of pleasure. "Um...you need to take off your underwear again, Hyde," he sighed, almost playfully, and pushed the other man to the sheets, damp with their sweat and their release, their tears, and even their blood.

Teeth scraped along the hard muscles of Hyde’s belly; Gackt took the offending article of clothing in his mouth and tugged down, pulling them over hips ravaged with red scratches, exposing Hyde’s erection to the warm air of his bedroom.

And Gackt drowned in Hyde’s scent, heavy over his nose and mouth, baring his teeth as he felt a mouth touch lightly over his thighs, and then Hyde’s mouth closed over him, sucking hard, his tongue flicking over the sensitive bundle of nerves at the head of his length.

Hyde’s teeth glimmered in the near-darkness of Gackt’s bedroom, pearly white, before descending to an equally white thigh, biting the flesh hard enough to draw a purple bruise.

They ground together, Hyde above Gackt, every inch of skin screaming, begging for a touch, a bloody kiss, anything, as long as it fell under the category of physical contact. Hyde smiled knowingly as Gackt’s eyes shut tightly, and pressed two soft kisses on each eyelid. Two for each bite mark.

~*~

They lay together, a tangle of sweaty limbs and knees and elbows, onyx storms riding over blue sky.

Gackt felt his lover’s breathing even out and smiled, tucking a stray piece of dark hair behind Hyde’s ear. Never one to snuggle, they lay apart on either side of the bed, a mile of white cotton between them.

The day ended too quickly, he decided, and resisted the urge to lean down and taste Hyde’s mouth again. One more taste of forbidden fruit, and he would be content.

Hyde, on the edge of sleep, thought of his wife and wondered what he would tell her when he came home so late. Things were different now, and a set of blue stones haunted his dreams - aching, stormy, flawed pearls that were all too perfect to his eye.

~*~

The ground was light beneath his bare feet, wet grass thick with dew and the sky was light grey, almost dusty. He had driven over to Hyde’s, without shoes. Perhaps because he was in such a rush to get there. They always played their games at Hyde’s house when the shorter man assured him that his wife wouldn’t be home and they wouldn’t have any interruptions.

Gackt shivered as a cool breeze skimmed over his bare arms. His heart pounded with anticipation; he needed this, needed this surrender. He stopped in front of Hyde’s door and raised his right hand, halting just before his knuckles grazed the wood.

He shouldn’t have been there. It was wrong, the feelings that the shorter man made come alive inside of him. The anger, the desire, the pain, all the things he kept locked inside of himself during the day. It was necessary. Gackt had painted a portrait of himself that was too perfect - flawless - and now, he was paying the price.

He should have just got in his car, and drove back home.

He sighed inwardly at the thought of another day, another merry-go-round in the world of fame. Another twenty-four hours spent smiling uselessly at the flashing cameras, another day of fans waving at him and begging for his autograph, another day of lyric-writing. Another day with this need eating away at his mind, his heart. He could feel the papery edges of madness slowly beginning to creep forward, and he bit his lip hard enough to draw blood.

The pain didn’t work anymore, though; he couldn’t hurt himself enough.

Gackt knocked twice, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. Hyde answered the door, eyebrows raised in fake surprise. Hyde was never surprised by anything Gackt did. It irritated him to no end to always be one step behind Hyde.

"Come in," Hyde said softly, And Gackt stepped into the house, eyes burning for some reason. They walked to the Master Bedroom wordlessly, but as soon as Gackt stepped inside the bedroom, he knew he was right in his assumption. The bed was covered in black silk sheets, the covers turned down just so, inviting and yet threatening.

"Shall we get started?" Hyde asked, reaching forward to tug at the zipper of Gackt’s pants.

Gackt nodded passively; it was Hyde’s turn tonight.

"You are so dirty. You can’t stop coming to me. Nor do you stop me from coming to you. And you like it, too. Don’t you, Ga-chan?"

Gackt couldn’t take it anymore. He pounced, sending them both back onto the bed.

Hyde ended up rolling them over while they were shedding clothing. He pounded into Gackt again and again and again, and Gackt clutched at him mindlessly, head reeling from the pure pleasure and pain of it all.

Above him, Hyde smiled. "You like this, Ga-chan?"

"Yes," Gackt replied, the word coming out as a gasp.

"So do I." Hyde leaned his head down, whispering into Gackt’s ear, "And it will continue until neither of us can stand it any longer."

~*~

Gackt left at dawn, the darkness in his soul fed, tamed, and shoved back into the cage, mouth still smeared with blood. Hyde watched him go silently and smirked.

He would be back. Either he would come to Hyde, or Hyde would go to him. No matter how much Gackt denied it, he would always need Hyde, need his dirty lover. And Hyde would always be drawn to that darkness, despite the fact that he had a wife that brought light into his life.

No, it was not the light he wanted, for the light did not intrigue him. The light did not make him feel the way Gackt’s darkness made him feel. It was a good feeling, and he enjoyed it.

There had been many nights like this before.

There would be many more to come.

Hyde looked forward to them.

~*~

The bar was smoky, full of jazz and soulful notes. The last place Hyde wanted to be, but the only place that gave the assured anonymity. Behind the screen of cigarette smoke and the smooth melody of a saxophone, Hyde could see him.

Beautiful, Hyde thought, licking his lips. He looked so sorrowful, so depressed. Sunglasses hid the brilliant glare of his blue eyes.

Almost six months now, Gackt had been coming to his bed, or he had been going to Gackt’s. Gackt had invaded his home and had become a part of his life in a very real way. He wiped the sweat off of the back of his neck and winced as his fingers ran over some undiscovered bruise.

Hyde didn’t know what he wanted, but it seemed everything in his life had come to a rapid standstill. He had a lover that would never acknowledge him, not that he needed acknowledgment; he had a wife that didn’t make him feel as she once had.

He had a child on the way, and he was almost certain that the child didn’t belong to him.

No permanence, and no stability.

Gackt walked over to him cautiously, back slumped, a barely-touched beer in one hand. "Hyde," he greeted quietly, tongue darting out to lick his lips. Two spots of pink color burned in his cheeks as he downed his drink quickly, taking a seat at the small table.

Hyde looked at his own glass of red wine. "You want to drink some of this, too?" he asked at last, and to his surprise, they both began to chuckle at the same time.

"What’s a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?" Gackt quipped, sneaking a sip of Hyde’s wine.

Hyde came right back at him, reaching out and sliding his fingers along Gackt’s leg suggestively. "You know what would look good on you? Me."

Gackt smiled, but then bit his lip to keep from making any noise as Hyde’s fingers dared to move even higher, lightly passing over the suspicious bulge in his pants.

Hyde then moved his hand before things got out of control. "You’ve been staying away," he said, all pretenses of cheer gone. There were reasons behind most things he did, but for the life of him, he couldn’t rationalize this, couldn’t fit it into his little box of bedroom tactics and general logic. "Is something wrong?"

Gackt smiled guilelessly, instantly putting the other man on his guard. "Nothing at all, Hyde," he said softly, rubbing his nose with one finger, a nervous habit that betrayed his cool facade. "Just..."

Hyde leaned forward, eagerly awaiting the reason why Gackt had been neglecting his playtoy.

"Nothing, Hyde. Nothing."

"You’re lying."

Gackt had the decency not to deny it, but he did not elaborate. He made a face as Hyde pulled out a cigarette and a lighter.

Hyde snorted and lit his cigarette. "I don’t like this side of you, Gackt. This recalcitrant, yet overly-concerned little boy has no business inside the mind of a person with status such as yourself."

"Are you done examining me, doctor?" His voice held strained notes of annoyance; whatever was bothering him must have been severe to provoke a loss of control. "I told you nothing’s wrong. Well," he amended, "nothing besides the fact that I’m just a pawn in this little obsessive game of yours. I mean nothing more than that to you, do I?"

"Ga-cha--"

"Shut up," Gackt snapped, slamming Hyde’s glass onto the table, nearly shattering it. "You think that I don’t know about Megumi’s pregnancy? Did you think you could just keep it away from me?! Well, you failed. It’s too late."

Hyde swallowed hard, unnerved by Gackt’s sudden change in demeanor. "I know." He shrugged. "It’s just...I don’t think it’s mine. And I didn’t really think it would change anything between us anyway."

Gackt sat, staring at him through contact-colored blue eyes. He didn’t say a word.

"Where to go from here, Gackt? Is it truly over, then?" Some part of him rejoiced at the thought of never going to Gackt’s house again, never hearing Gackt’s knock on his own door, while some part began to beat down the walls in a pale attempt to rally against fate.

Gackt leaned closer, and it was a kiss, almost. He whispered against Hyde’s lips. "It isn’t over until I say it’s over."

~*~

Hyde had fully expected things to go back to the way they had been, the endless nights of being in Gackt’s arms, whispering his name, wanting to possess him and have him all to himself. Instead, Gackt began to flower in the darkness, coming alive fully for the first time in a long time.

And Gackt still didn’t need him.

There was no reason to need Gackt, to need to touch his body and kiss his face. He was just one of thousands of beautiful people in this world. It wasn’t that Hyde needed him physically.

He needed Gackt to need him.

He cracked the second week. He needed to speak to Gackt, had to reaffirm exactly who was in charge.

So, he went to his house. Gackt answered the door almost right away, and silently led him up to his bedroom.

"Gackt--" he stopped short, eyes wide as he peered into the rock artist’s bedroom, gasping as his likeness, reflected in oil paintings and pencil sketches, stared back at him.

"You wanted to talk?"

"Yes." Hyde couldn’t stop staring at the various faces looking at him. There he was, laughing. And crying. And smiling. So many of his faces, his masks, all put on display for him.

"I tried to draw you, but pencils don’t capture the wonderful color of your skin." Gackt gestured to one of the pencil sketches. "And then I tried to paint you, but I believe a little child could do better with finger paints." He sighed. "Then, I tried drawing again, just your face. I drew you smiling. You did nothing but smile when I told you for the first time that I wanted to kiss you. I hated you for your cruelty...for your blindness to how I truly felt for you. But, I loved you for your innocence."

Hyde was busy staring at the floor; suddenly his shoes had become very interesting.

"But, you know, I realized that it wasn’t truly your face. It was someone else’s. I sometimes think I don’t know you at all, despite how long we’ve...been together." Gackt smiled softly, reaching out and touching Hyde’s cheek gently. "You know, for a while, you were the only thing I had."

Hyde looked up sharply from the floor, his hands twisting the end of his shirt into terrible shapes.

Gackt laughed, leaning his head down to capture Hyde’s lips beneath his own. "The only thing that kept me sane. And then, one day I woke up and I didn’t need you anymore. I don’t need you to keep the darkness at bay. I don’t need you to torment me; I can do that just fine myself."

Hyde felt every secret hope in his heart shatter as Gackt spoke.

"I don’t need you, but I still want you. That much, at least, remains the same." He kissed Hyde again, his tongue sliding past his lips, arms wrapping securely around his waist. "I want you, despite everything else. You have that kind of attractiveness. So, I stopped to think. There’s no place in my life for a loved one like you, for a deviation from the norm. According to popular opinion, I should marry a beautiful woman and have brat children. But, I don’t want that." Gackt laughed softly, tugging on Hyde’s hands, urging him to sit on the bed.

"I know there are things I can’t have," he continued, "but, right now, you’re all I want. And I’ve come to realize that life won’t always be wonderful. There are only beautiful moments that shine through the darkness, guiding us back towards day and through midnight. I won’t let anyone take those moments from me, Hyde." He paused, considering his next words. "But, I can’t afford to throw it all away on a whim, either. You’re either with me, or you’re not. No more power struggles. No more emotional pain. I know now - or perhaps I’ve known all along - that I love you, and I don’t want to lose that. I know you must feel something, too. And it’s come to this: Leave Megumi. If she doesn’t make you feel how I do, why stay? You yourself said you don’t think the child is yours. Be with me."

Hyde was struck speechless. When had this happened? Before your eyes, his mind supplied helpfully. He smiled, even as he bowed his head. Gackt was truly his equal, and perhaps his better. Honor to him, then. But never the victory.

"Goodbye." He kissed Gackt firmly, hands caressing his cheeks. He then drew away, walking backwards from his lover, fighting down a feeling of nausea, smiling as he heard a sob echo from Gackt’s bedroom into the hallway.

On the way back home, tears managed to push their way past Hyde’s eyelids. They chased each other down his face until he realized that the road was blurry and he probably shouldn’t be driving in his condition. Pulling over, he parked on the side of the road, dropping his head down on the steering wheel. The tears continued to fall.

At least he knew that their regrets, if not the paths of their lives, overlapped.

End